Josie Birthday November 6, 2008

We have been through a lot together my l/o and I as well as my whole family(my daughter Kier, my b/f Daniel, and my family). My doctors appointments have been sorta of up and down a lot of conflicting consultations however one thing I know for sure is I have an amazing little girl growing inside me with the will for survival and I will do everything humanly as well as spiritually possible to ensure her survival if it is to be Gods will. I feel so blessed and in Gods favor that I mostly find myself very calm most of the time with few nervous and tearful thoughts of something being terribly wrong that it would shorten her time with me. I have accepted that even if I am only allowed a mere look upon her Lil face and body I will be blessed for the rest of my life. I love her so much. I feel her in my stomach area moving around kicking and stuff and I am just amazed' after all its been 15 years since I last experienced being blessed with a pregnancy that I maintained. I have to admit Josie coming along was a complete surprise and she may had even had a sibling had I chose to take a different approach from the beginning, however I didn't instead at that time I felt as though I was not and this was due to some horrible choices about a certain relationship I had engaged in and tried to abort with some emergency contraception's. That act itself of the medicine worked to a certain degree but who would have thought I was carrying twins and that Josie had been chosen by God to remain all while I was unaware' especially of things to come over the next 6 weeks. I went through a true month and a half thinking everyday what I had done crying to the Lord and to my sweet baby I chosen to not to keep due to some really poor judgment on the man who had fathered her ( he is a liar, stalker, a cheater who went outside sacred vows he has with his wife (another surprise) and I didn't want to be connected to this devil that called himself a man, I feared not only for me but for the baby who could possibly be caught up in the mess that was not of her doing, needless it was the hardest thing I had ever chosen to do, and I felt a certain shame even though I knew it was not of my doing of course I admit I had made poor judgement in regards to this fellow). I finally had tried to come to terms with the horrible truth and I felt that I had no control over and I had placed it back in Gods hands, I was really kinda going crazy for a minute. I had taken back up running and was feeling a Lil better day to day when I realized some symptoms of my pregnancy had started to return. so I found myself really questioning what the hell was going on? I came back to work after one weekend and took a pregnancy test and for the love of God it was positive. Wow I was in total shock I immediately called my doctor who had given me my meds to terminate in the first place we came to the conclusion after some blood tests that I was indeed still pregnant and I immediately went for an emergency Ultra Sound this is what I seen:
My God' all I could think about was my conversations with him about this sweet baby I wanted but was so very torn over about the circumstances surrounding her conception. I didn't want to hurt anyone but at the same time I wanted to give this baby the chance I had thought I had surely done away with a month and half prior. I accepted and owned and took accountability for my actions and God placed us in his favor. I feel truly blessed. My Father always taught me to rely only on God and Yourself in life and other than being the best Father ever this was undoubtedly the best advice I could have learned to date. We have been through a lot Josie and I she is a true inspiration to me. I have learned a lot from this little Angle that God has bestowed upon me and I look very forward to my first actual bonding moment with her outside the womb. I am scheduled for a C-Section on November 6Th, I am both nervous and anxious. I have the best boyfriend a soul could ever ask for in fact I believe 100% he is my soul mate and he has accepted this Lil miracle as his own. So things have worked out regardless of the circumstances of the past she has a real Father who may not of helped in her creation but loves her as though he had. Daniel (my b/f) is the best man to come into our lives and I feel he is just another one of Gods additions to make our lives complete he loves my daughter that I have now Kiersten as if she was a part of his life from the very start of hers. I cant imagine my life without him. We are a family of four and we very much are already looking forward to adding one more after about a year :)
I will tell you I feel blessed and I know whatever the outcome this is the way God intended and I will honor him and our lives every second of every minute of everyday. Gods Speed.