Josie Birthday November 6, 2008

We have been through a lot together my l/o and I as well as my whole family(my daughter Kier, my b/f Daniel, and my family). My doctors appointments have been sorta of up and down a lot of conflicting consultations however one thing I know for sure is I have an amazing little girl growing inside me with the will for survival and I will do everything humanly as well as spiritually possible to ensure her survival if it is to be Gods will. I feel so blessed and in Gods favor that I mostly find myself very calm most of the time with few nervous and tearful thoughts of something being terribly wrong that it would shorten her time with me. I have accepted that even if I am only allowed a mere look upon her Lil face and body I will be blessed for the rest of my life. I love her so much. I feel her in my stomach area moving around kicking and stuff and I am just amazed' after all its been 15 years since I last experienced being blessed with a pregnancy that I maintained. I have to admit Josie coming along was a complete surprise and she may had even had a sibling had I chose to take a different approach from the beginning, however I didn't instead at that time I felt as though I was not and this was due to some horrible choices about a certain relationship I had engaged in and tried to abort with some emergency contraception's. That act itself of the medicine worked to a certain degree but who would have thought I was carrying twins and that Josie had been chosen by God to remain all while I was unaware' especially of things to come over the next 6 weeks. I went through a true month and a half thinking everyday what I had done crying to the Lord and to my sweet baby I chosen to not to keep due to some really poor judgment on the man who had fathered her ( he is a liar, stalker, a cheater who went outside sacred vows he has with his wife (another surprise) and I didn't want to be connected to this devil that called himself a man, I feared not only for me but for the baby who could possibly be caught up in the mess that was not of her doing, needless it was the hardest thing I had ever chosen to do, and I felt a certain shame even though I knew it was not of my doing of course I admit I had made poor judgement in regards to this fellow). I finally had tried to come to terms with the horrible truth and I felt that I had no control over and I had placed it back in Gods hands, I was really kinda going crazy for a minute. I had taken back up running and was feeling a Lil better day to day when I realized some symptoms of my pregnancy had started to return. so I found myself really questioning what the hell was going on? I came back to work after one weekend and took a pregnancy test and for the love of God it was positive. Wow I was in total shock I immediately called my doctor who had given me my meds to terminate in the first place we came to the conclusion after some blood tests that I was indeed still pregnant and I immediately went for an emergency Ultra Sound this is what I seen:
My God' all I could think about was my conversations with him about this sweet baby I wanted but was so very torn over about the circumstances surrounding her conception. I didn't want to hurt anyone but at the same time I wanted to give this baby the chance I had thought I had surely done away with a month and half prior. I accepted and owned and took accountability for my actions and God placed us in his favor. I feel truly blessed. My Father always taught me to rely only on God and Yourself in life and other than being the best Father ever this was undoubtedly the best advice I could have learned to date. We have been through a lot Josie and I she is a true inspiration to me. I have learned a lot from this little Angle that God has bestowed upon me and I look very forward to my first actual bonding moment with her outside the womb. I am scheduled for a C-Section on November 6Th, I am both nervous and anxious. I have the best boyfriend a soul could ever ask for in fact I believe 100% he is my soul mate and he has accepted this Lil miracle as his own. So things have worked out regardless of the circumstances of the past she has a real Father who may not of helped in her creation but loves her as though he had. Daniel (my b/f) is the best man to come into our lives and I feel he is just another one of Gods additions to make our lives complete he loves my daughter that I have now Kiersten as if she was a part of his life from the very start of hers. I cant imagine my life without him. We are a family of four and we very much are already looking forward to adding one more after about a year :)
I will tell you I feel blessed and I know whatever the outcome this is the way God intended and I will honor him and our lives every second of every minute of everyday. Gods Speed.

Whats up Doc' Riley and IU app

This month seems to be flying by. I got a letter over the weekend to confirm the appointments for Josie' the first appointment will be October 9Th with Dr. Lillie-Mae Padilla at IU Medical hospital in Indianapolis specializing in Maternal Fetal Medicine, special interests are prenatal diagnosis
pregnancy and diabetes, high-risk obstetrics
ultrasound, chronic villi sampling, amniocentesis, and counseling. She will be the one to make the proper diagnosis for Josie and she will be the one to let me know what to expect in the weeks to come. I am both very nervous and excited to meet her. I was a little surprised by her name as she shares the name of my maternal grandmother whom died before I was even born. I thought that was very cool. My next appointment from their will be October 22 at Riley's Children's hospital with Dr. Laurie Ackerman she is a Nero surgeon and her interests are Hydrocephalus, Myelomeningocele, Brain tumor, Spinal cord, Tumors, Craniosynostosis, Brain trauma and she will be the one to perform Josie's surgery. I am staying true to my word and keeping this in Gods hands because ultimately God is the only one who is in control of our lives and will be keeping a watchful eye over my little princess. Mommy loves you Josie and I will do everything in my power to ensure your health. I cant wait to see you and kiss and hold you in my arms.

Bulid-A-Bear

Kier has been a very supportive big sister since this all began. I was worried she would feel put off because my emotions have been up and down since this whole pregnancy has come about' she is after all my only one for 15 years now. I must say I have a really wonderful daughter and I feel as though I have done a great job in raising her especially when it comes to trying times like these. I can always count on her to be the one to try to help alieve some of my stress by coming up and rubbing on my shoulders asking me everyday how my day was, and every morning by telling me she loves me before she treks out the door for school or hanging out with her friends. My Lil girl is growing up and she is very thoughtful. That warms my heart. The other day I got a call from Kiersten and she asked if we could go to Build-A-Bear to make a bear for Josie and of course she wanted to know if it would be okay if she made one. I felt a warmth in my heart and I knew that she was extending her thoughts out to her Lil sister coming into the world knowing just how loved she was going to be. I tell you their is nothing more sweeter than knowing you have children with a heart as big as the world. I love you Kier and you are your mommas world you never cease to amaze me at just how very dear you can be. Your sister is lucky to have such a great person for a big sister. I know you will teach her and love her as much as anyone. I am very proud God gave you to me and I have never regretted one minute of being your mom and I am very blessed. So this weekend Kier and I will make our way to Build-A-Bear to make her and Josie a bear I am going to let Kier name both bears this will be her special present for her Lil sister and I want her to know I trust that she will make the most perfect bear for the occasion.

Somethings Wrong with Josie?

The first time I heard this come out of my doctors mouth I shut down almost immediately' because of everything We had been through to this point I was sure this was not going to be something I could go through when my strength had fell to the side. I was instantly sick, confused beyond belief, and really mad. I want to know how can I make this better, what can I do. My doctor assured me this was nothing I had done my other ultra sounds where fine and this was typically a genetic type of condition "hydrocephalus" I hated it when I heard it' I wanted it outta of my daughter and outta of our lives. I was so unsure and every medical piece of information I came across made me sick. It seemed every case was different, Lil was known about it and what caused it' and to top it all off their was different forms of the condition. Wow I was lost and I shut down in my doctors office so I was really in limbo for a few days, I used those days to focus on what was important, MY DAUGHTER' BOTH OF THEM! I talked to God I asked him to take away my anxiety and you know he did' I asked God to put understanding in my heart and where it hurt with uncertainty was suddenly filled with assurance, I asked God to please keep me and my thoughts open and optimistic and I have had zero pessimistic images in my mind. I have decided with Gods help we would be okay regardless of the outcome. I gave the Internet another chance and I came across threads with all kinds of different parents going through similar situations as myself and a lot of them had great things to speak of. I am looking forward to getting to know other parents faced with the issues that have been placed in our path and I am really looking forward to getting to know the Nero doctors/ surgeons and staff at Riley's Children's hospital in Indianapolis. I have a high regard for my faith and my daughters life and I plan to do everything I can to ensure she will have the best quality of life. I am thankful for my family, friends, my job, co-workers, and all the people who have helped me along our way. Gods Speed, and God Bless.

A baby are you sure'

It was March 24Th I woke up so, so tired went to work' I work in a nursing division and had decided I wanted to rule out some reason to why I was feeling this way outta nowhere. I took a pregnancy test and my God it was positive' this fell on the same day two years after I had lost my father to brain cancer. I was both excited and terrified because I was no longer in a relationship with the man (I wont mention) who fathered my Lil girl to be. In April I had a miscarriage and I was devastated I prayed to God about things I had done that may have attributed to this loss, did a lot of soul searching and finally came to terms with what had happened I decided to take up jogging again it was something that had always made me feel better and it was working on my physical as well as my emotional well being. I say about 6 weeks had passed and my symptoms had started to return I was never sick mind you but it was that wave of tiredness. On Monday I had came back to work to take a test I knew that about a month it would take for my body to even begin to start returning to normal but I was very surprised to see a positive test and i called my doctor to enquire. I knew their was no chance this was a new pregnancy and was very confused he sent me out for blood work and I as well as him was surprised to find out that I was still showing I was pregnant on my Hg level as if I had never had a miscarriage.. WOW' I was instructed in may be a partial embryo and instructed to have a abortion. No way I wanted to look and see what was going on for my self so I called my doctor back not my pregnancy doc and asked for his help he had a emergency ultra sound performed and their she was' I was so full of water I could have flooded the whole room out but when I seen her a wave of calmness came over me and I just adored her' my sister was with me and she too was at a loss for words' God showed me his favor and that is how this all came to be.